Every day, a new listicle pops up on our screens, promising the “10 Things Women/Men Really Want,” “5 Things You Should Look For in a Woman/Man,” or “7 Things That Make a Man/Woman a Great Catch”. Whether they’re oriented toward what to do to attract a person or what a person should look for in another—two sides of the same coin—they all list qualities that, presumably, you are looking for in a partner, or that you should be looking for. In this post, I want to explore the idea that, regardless of how admirable and deep the items on these lists go, there is only one quality you should be looking for.

In a recent post, I discussed some problems with having “deal-breakers” in dating and relationships, certain qualities that you simply will not accept in a partner. My primary issue with deal-breakers is that they elevate one or more characteristics to a level of importance that trumps all others, which may blind you to otherwise fantastic people who possess that one trait you really dislike but, at the end of the day, may not be all that important (especially if the quality in question is superficial).

Perhaps, instead of focusing on what you don’t want in a date or partner, you should think about what you do want, which is what many of these listicles offer. That’s a good step, focusing on what you want while keeping in mind what you don’t. But the list of desired qualities may just end up being a mirror list of your deal-breakers. If you say you don’t want someone overweight, you would probably say you want someone in good shape. If you don’t want short, you probably want tall; and so forth. In the end, this would lead to the same problem as before: by dating according to a list of qualities you can check off, you elevate those qualities above all others, even if individually they’re not that important (and collectively, they might be very difficult to find in one person!).

The problem with lists like these, whether they consist of likes or dislikes, is that they often contain relatively superficial qualities, things pertaining to looks, job status, or personal habits. The advantage to traits like these is that we can evaluate them fairly quickly. Maybe one person wants a tall athletic type who makes a lot of money, while another wants a young, sexy person who works in the arts—and both can discover these things after looking at and talking to someone for just five minutes. I’m not saying these qualities are unimportant. At the very least, they help us screen for the people we are most likely to be attracted to, so we can try to meet them and see if there’s something more to them. But again, we can easily exaggerate their importance, happy that we’ve finally found someone who hits all the points on our lists—and risk neglecting what we really want in a partner.

And what is this? Michael Jackson had the answer: the way someone makes you feel.

After you’ve met someone, spent some time getting to know her or him, and considering whether you want to get more serious, your focus should change: once you're happy with what that person is like, think about how he or she makes you feel. In the long run, this should be your one deal-breaker: if your partner doesn’t make you feel the way you want to feel, this is not the right person for you. It doesn’t matter if he or she has all the good qualities you want and none of the bad ones that you don’t—when it comes down to it, there’s only one quality that matters, and you can’t know whether your partner has it until you’ve been with that person for a while. Your partner may look great “on paper,” but that doesn’t mean he or she is going to treat you the way you want to be treated and make you feel the way you want to feel. And that’s what really matters.

But so many of us stay with people just like this, don’t we? Set aside issues like children and finances—I’m thinking about relationships in which the only thing preventing us from leaving is us. We stay in relationships with people who are “OK” or “good enough,” who have some good qualities and not too many bad ones, but don’t make us feel how we want to feel. (I wrote about relationships like these here.) Often it’s because we don’t think we deserve to feel the way we want to feel. Maybe it’s because we don’t think we’ll ever find someone who treats us better. And sometimes, we prioritize those “desired” qualities, like looks, status, or money, and tell ourselves that’s what we really care about, that’s what really matters, and the res…well, nobody’s perfect, right?

Of course nobody’s perfect. But some people are good for you, and what makes them good for you may not be the nice hair, clothes, or job, or even deeper qualities like compassion and sense of humor. It isn't even a matter of your partner simply being kind, considerate, respectful, supportive, and so on. A person can be all of this and more, simply a wonderful person all around, and still not make you feel the way you want to feel, which comes down to fit, a mental or emotional version of physical “chemistry.” This aspect of finding the “right” person is highly subjective, having to do with what you as an individual want and need from another person and how you would like to feel when you’re with someone. That’s why I haven’t been more specific, saying that you need to find a person who make you feel loved, or appreciated, or safe—all of these are great, but each of us values them in different amounts. Once you know how you want a person to make you feel, though, you need to look for it, hold out for it, and embrace it when you find it.

This one essential quality in a person is also much more difficult to find and assess than the things you normally find on the listicles. It’s not that the qualities that are listed are not good ones: some focus on superficial features, but many others (such as this recent one here at PT) contain things like integrity, kindness, and a sense of humor, all undeniably good things in a partner. At the end of the day, though, these qualities are just means to an end: making you feel the way you want to feel. But it's hard to put that on a list because it is different for every person. We can appreciate many fine qualities in a person, but that doesn’t mean she or he is going to make us feel the way we want to feel. You only learn that over time.

(I know what you're probably thinking: “who has the time?” But this is worth the time, trust me.)

Of course, you won't know how a person makes you feel right away, so sure, go for the more obvious qualities you like. Just be careful not to place too much emphasis on these in the hopes of long-term happiness. Once you realize this, then you may be ready to take some chances with people who might not have all those other qualities, and might even have a deal-breaker or two, but might also have the potential to make you feel how you want to feel—and I suspect you’ll discover that's much more important.